


Speak Your Truth

by diaryofageekgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode: s15e18 Despair, I just have a lot of feelings and this is how I process, M/M, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27415336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diaryofageekgirl/pseuds/diaryofageekgirl
Summary: Episode coda for 15x18. Written from Cas' perspective
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 25
Kudos: 103





	Speak Your Truth

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a hot second since I wrote/posted anything, but after tonight's episode I just had to.
> 
> Heavily inspired by [this](https://diaryofageekgirl.tumblr.com/post/634007603555467264) tumblr post.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Dean’s voice was the low, rough timbre it always was, but there was a note in it that was new. Some kind of trepidation or fear that rarely, if ever, crept out from behind his walls and made itself known. A vocal equivalent of a bad feeling tingling at the base of your skull, or the hairs on your arm standing on end. His eyes were locked on Cas’, his expression giving nothing away about what was surely swirling through his mind.

It was one of the many things that both infuriated and infatuated Cas – how Dean was so complex, so deep in his emotions that at every turn they threatened to consume him, drown him completely. Threatened to drown everyone who got close to him, as well.

Cas would gladly be swept up in that tide. Had been, for over a decade now. Had learned what it was to be truly angry, truly afraid.

To truly love.

And now, to be truly, perfectly happy.

His breath stuttered in his lungs, the tears spilling from his eyes as the smile he’d had for the past few minutes, that had slipped just a moment ago, made its way back onto his face.

“Because it is.”

He watched Dean’s face, watched the tiny micro-expressions flicker across it as his words sunk in. The slight furrow of his brow, the miniscule inhale of breath, the infinitesimal movement of what might have been the beginning of shaking his head. Every single detail, Cas studied and catalogued and committed to his memory. He wanted the image of this beautiful and gloriously imperfect man imprinted in his mind for eternity.

Cas drew a breath, steeling himself for what was to come.

“I love you.”

Dean’s eyes grew glossy, and a muscle in his cheek twitched. He swallowed with an audible click of the throat, gave a little aborted shake of his head; Cas knew him well enough that even with everything that he had told him earlier, Dean would never believe he deserved his love.

He smiled in spite of it. He felt freer than he ever had before, the weight of secrecy and fear lifted from his shoulders. This must have been what Atlas felt, when Hercules bore the world for him for a day. Another tear slipped down his cheek, but the smile wouldn’t leave his face.

He was ready now.

“Don’t do this, Cas.” Dean shook his head. His voice sounded almost detached – no despair, no anger, no fear. In these last few moments he had left, Cas wondered how long it would take for Dean to let himself feel this moment fully.

A horrible and familiar wet sucking sound echoed through the room. Dean spun around, and Cas looked over his shoulder at the gaping inky abyss opening in the wall. The Empty was here, and it was time for Cas to make good on his deal.

Dean spun back to face Cas once again, the unshed tears in his eyes glistening. The door behind them slammed open, the warding finally wearing down enough for Billie to get through.

He watched Dean’s eyes flick to the doorway, then back to his.

“Cas?”

He could hear the confusion in Dean’s voice now. His heart twinged with guilt at dropping all of this on him at once, but it had to be done. The Empty was the only thing that could stop Billie from killing Dean, and wasn’t that the point of it all?

Wasn’t every choice he made, everything he did, done with the thought of this wondrous example of humanity in the forefront of his mind?

_I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you._

He placed his still-bloody hand on Dean’s shoulder – his left shoulder, which even though the scar had been healed many years ago, still bore the shape of his hand, burned into his very soul. He had loved him even then, though he couldn't possibly have fathomed at the time what that feeling was, what it meant.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

He stepped closer, and in the fraction of an instant, considered pressing in closer, sealing his lips against Dean’s. It would have been as easy as breathing and as natural to him as flight. But no, he couldn’t risk Dean – his Dean – getting caught in the crossfire.

He shoved him away, barely able to hear his “Wha-?” from where he landed on the floor, punched out of him along with his breath. He heard the clicking of Billie’s heels on the floor as she strode closer, heard the squelching of the Empty forcing its way into the Bunker.

None of it mattered. He held Dean’s gaze for the last time, lapis lazuli and jade, stones from the earth that symbolized heaven, and smiled down at him reassuringly.

He turned away from Dean, then, as the tendrils of the Empty lashed out into the room. The twisted around him, pulling at his very essence as it consumed him. He heard a gasp from behind him, which he could only assume was Billie being taken by the Empty, but he payed it no mind.

He stared into the inky darkness, with only the image of Dean’s face on his mind, the sound of Dean’s voice in his ears as the Shadow consumed him.

He smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> I genuinely don't know how I'm gonna survive the next week until 15x19 airs.


End file.
